When in doubt, Paddle Out

Looking out to the shore with waves breaking, board tucked under my left arm, the thought running in my mind is that "should I even do it?' . After my near drowning experience a few years back, a piece of my courage seem to have been taken away. Or maybe, just maybe, it's natural progression in life that as I get older, I abandon the recklessness of my youth and be more fearful of life and of getting hurt.

But, I take one breath and work up the courage to walk through the water, ride my board and paddle out. I am not a great paddler. In fact, I paddle slow and weak. In this course of trying to paddle out to the line up , the inevitable happens. I saw a set a waves about to break at where I am. All I can say is f*ck. Why am I doing this again? Why do I have to gamble my life when I can be perfectly relax on the shore admiring cute surfers instead? All these thoughts while I spin under water, praying that my board doesn't hit me (as I was already once rushed to the hospital to have stitches on my thigh from a fin cut).

The waves subside. I grasp for breath, go up my board, and continue paddling out to the line up.

And then I wait.
Wait for a good wave to catch.
As one approaches, I try to paddle and stand. A failed attempt.
And then I try again.
I wait and try. Wait and try. Until I finally catch one .

And when I do, it's an exhilarating experience. Riding a wave is pure bliss. Those few minutes or probably just few seconds of surfing the wave make all that struggle worth it .

After a good ride, I paddle back to the line up, hoping to catch another and another, until I feel either stoked or exhausted.

This is same as how life pans out. It's a series of doubts and fears and taking courage. Of regrets and of waiting. Of trying and failing. Of getting back up and succeeding.
And at the end of it all, being happy.